It seems like all I do is daydream.
About a future where I’m accomplished, where I’m happy, where I’m loved, where I’m appreciated.
Why is it that people are never content? Always wanting something more, something else…
If I was to think about a time when I was happy, I would have to rake my brain real hard. It seems that every time I have been happy, it was conditional, it was short lived.
Sometimes, I think about how just being held at night would be happiness come true. Other times, I imagine having a high profile job, a lot of things at stake, a lot of people depending on me, as being happy, because I would be important, someone people counted on, someone who mattered.
Dreams are tricky. I have noticed that the more I daydream, the more vivid an idealised future becomes, the more action plans I have to reach it, yet, at the same time, I am bound by the here and now, the mundane everydays. It is all well and good that I want to be X or Y, but it takes time to get there.
I think one of the biggest realisations I have come to face is that dreams take time. Sure, you can imagine yourself five years from now, living your dream – but how likely is it that it will start tomorrow? Unless you win the lottery or inherit a shit load of money, not many people can afford to live their dreams. And it is quite disheartening and disenchanting to think that money, after all, does matter. Who’s going to pay the bills while I establish a career as a writer? Who’s going to pay for my bus fare if I don’t have a job while I try to become a ballet dancer? One of the biggest failures of modern life is the inexplicable “work to live” rut that we are forced into. No job? Fine, you can live with your parents, on someone’s couch, in a homeless shelter, or under a bridge. Money does dictate where you get, in a way.
I did not start from nothing, but I didn’t start from much. I guess it’s all relative. Compared to my peers from the same city, many stayed there, never getting on a plane. Others have visited dozens of countries while I’ve barely been to 5 around Europe. To some, I must be living the dream, while others might pity me for my humble achievements. Personally, I am okay with where I am. Sure, it would be good to know what the future brings… but I do believe we create our own future, by trying, by giving up, by turning a certain direction, by choosing to do something compared to another way.
Presently, I am choosing to free fall. I am hoping, and dreaming of a time when I have it all sorted out, and I am taking baby steps towards that craved future. Will I get there. Who knows. It has taken a quarter of a century to get where I am today, so I know for a fact that one cannot rush destiny, if it exists. But I can have an action plan, a to do list, a method in this madness that is living life from one day to the next. And maybe, inbetween trying and failing, trying and achieving, there is some space for daydreaming. After all, what would drive people ahead, if not discontent?