2016 · 2016/01 · NaJoWriMo · NaJoWriMo 2016/01

NaJoWriMo 08/01/2016: Mea Culpa

After considering some accomplishments yesterday, today I was prompted to think about some mistakes I have made. What contributed to it, how I can correct it, how I can make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Mistake is a strong word. Similar to regret, it signifies a wish for a past different from what actually happened. But how could we wish for a different past if it was indeed different. The person I am today would be different if it hadn’t been for my past, with its mistakes and all. Maybe if I could have parallel lives, or a couple of lives consecutively while remembering my past ones, I would try and make sure that I didn’t put myself through some things. However, as I hardly believe in reincarnation or being reborn once I’m gone, I can’t see that happening. And as things are at the moment, I wouldn’t want to be different from what I am like now.

If certain experiences could have been skipped while still arriving at my current self, yes, sure. I would make sure I didn’t waste years trying to make sure nobody noticed me, and then latch onto all the wrong persons who seemed to realise I existed, as they only ended up using me, and I lost precious years fretting over nonsense. I would make sure I didn’t grow up hating myself and mistreating myself. Not believing I could be loved and denying even my own appreciation from myself were clear mistakes. They resulted in an unhealthy self image, self destructive behaviours and poisonous relationships. However, they shaped and formed me. For the worse or for the better, who knows. I am where I am today because of those experiences. And certain circumstances aside, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

That doesn’t meant that I have to repeat these behaviours. I would like to think that I have matured a little over the years and realised what is and what isn’t healthy in actions, relationships, goals and pressures. It doesn’t mean that I am now in a perfectly harmonious symbiosis with my environment, but I do try not to put myself through unnecessary strains if they can be avoided. I quit my job and left a city I despised, instead of just swallowing and staying stuck in a rut with all the others around me, being afraid to see what else I could do and be instead. Three times now. So I am getting there, I hope.

As for smaller mistakes, like mis-reading the clock and missing the bus, all I can say, been there, done it, and I watch the clock like a hawk now.

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