This month’s NaJoWriMo is about Personal Renewal. It is quite topical, I have to say. The fourth month of this wretched year has begun and I feel utterly miserable. My life has taken a ride downhill and seems to have gut stuck in some stupid hole. I would like to say it was out of my control… But I would be fooling myself. I would be childish. Childish. Acting like a child. Something I never felt I ever truly could be, a child; now here I am, age 25, and I am being childish. Denying and avoiding responsibility, refusing to admit the truth. Wishing on some falling stars, waiting for the cooked pigeon to fly into my mouth.
As my story finally reached a point that I avoided like a plague for years, I feel strangely dissociated. Maybe it’s a sign that it was well time. I admit it occurred to me to just pull my duvet over my head, wallow in self pity for a few hours, maybe cry myself to sleep. I admit I have done it a few times this year. But at the same time, a number of alternatives also popped into my mind. Life goes on, stupid. If something, you should at least that by now. And with it, you have to go on too. And things come to me that I could do, that I should do, that I might as well do, instead of, or at least before, I cry myself to sleep.
I could read that book I just borrowed from the library. I could finish the book I started a few days ago, or the one I started last year. I could go to the gym. Oh no, actually, that’s closed now. I could do the dishes. I could, I could do a thousand things. I am a free adult, and I have a million possibilities. The words from ‘Me before you‘ echo in my head,”You only get one life. It’s actually your duty to live it as fully as possible.”
I am in denial. The first stage of mourning. Mourning for the life that never was, never was going to be, that I only just admitted.
So out with the old, and in with the new. Let’s think about things to update, revise, transform, enhance, replace.
- I shall continue going to the gym. I aimed to go 10 times in March, managed nine. In April, I am aiming to go every other day.
- I am going to try and establish a proper morning routine.
- I will participate in Camp NaNoWriMo, writing anything that occurs to me, at any time. No hard and fast rules, just writing for the sake of it, for self expressions, personal development, and other selfish reasons.
- I shall focus on myself as a valuable human being worthy of self love. Because I deserve it.
- I am not going to write unachievable to-do lists.
- I will open myself up to new experiences.
- I will not put all me in the hands on just one person, expecting them to care enough or be able to hold it safe until eternity.