I always thought that the biggest step I have taken in my life so far was moving abroad a few weeks after my 19th birthday and starting life in a country with no family and just one friend around me. I never regretted that move, not for one single moment. I do feel that my life could have been a lot more happy-go-lucky if only I didn’t surround myself with the wrong sorts of people for my personal development and inner life, but as years went by I’ve managed to weed out most of what I realised to be bad influenced.
Still, the process is ongoing. I am still weeding, so to speak. And sometimes, it is a very messy thing to do. Even if I realise that I am just responsible for letting certain people drag me down as they are for dragging me down, it is much easier to lash out and blame others for my lack of perceived progress. Sometimes, it is entirely justified. Other times, it takes two to tango, and I should reflect on my own involvement just as much as on those of others.
Recently I have faced something that has been a central part of my life for over four years, something that I put a lot of faith and hope into. It was sorely misplaced. I kind of knew it from the beginning, but ever the optimist / naive / silly person, I refused to admit it. I believed, and tried desperately to continue to believe even when it was no longer possible to do so. A word, a sentence, a phone call; an entire belief system can crumble or fall out orbit in just a minute. And now that I have stopped fooling myself, I have to fill the void that all the daydreams have occupied before.
And so, I am desperately trying to get a job. I am churning my mind to come up with a hobby I could pursue. I am reading, I am writing, I am going to the gym, I am trying to rediscover myself.
It is so easy, so comfortable, to fall into a pattern, to fool ourselves with a specific way of thinking that this is how things are, and even if they aren’t perfect, that’s just life, so we get on with it. Wrong. Stop. Reconsider. What’s stopping you from being happier, more fulfilled? And if you are anything like me, the more appropriate question might be: why are you stopping yourself from being happier, more fulfilled?
Moving abroad, starting a new job, enrolling at a university; sure, they are all big life events that changed the course of my future. However, it is important to recognise the power of shifting one’s mentality, attitude, view point. Walking around with eyes averted and half closed lest we realise what we are missing out on, is simply stupid.
If there is something you can change, it is within your power, and you will only benefit from it… then letting laziness, comfort, or routine stop you is equivalent with stabbing yourself in the back.
I would like to find out who I am, and see who I could be. And so, I am going to try and shift my attitude. No longer will I think of myself as meh, adequate. Instead, I will acknowledge areas in need of improvement, and let myself surface through encouragement and self-approval.
At least, that is the plan. I’m good at making plans. Let’s hope I will be equally good at keeping it.