2016 · 2016/06 · Vignette

You

I have been learning your skin for over four years, without ever touching you, just observing from far away through the screen, the way your lips curl into an oh so rare smile and when you chuckle like a man turning into a boy for a moment, a boy long forgotten and perhaps lost in the past where laughter was still alive and present, you laugh when I’m around and my heart swells with pride, I made you happy and lost in the moment, I turned your incessant inner frown into an actual smile that reaches your eyes and penetrates my world, turning it into a million different colours exploding through a prism that’s showing off in the sunlight, if only I could trace the edges of your lips with my trembling fingertips, learn their texture against my thumb and under my tongue, feel your gasp against my mouth as we finally taste each other, it has been in the making for such a long time, like an everlasting foreplay, we have been progressing at a snail’s pace, I know it is my own doing, but we seem to be approaching the point of no return, the pressure is building under our skin threatening to make us explode, for I cannot imagine a simmering out, a slow dying out of this fire that’s consuming me when I see your skin, when I try to learn the pattern of the hairs across your chest, the involuntary movements you make, the openness and trust with which you lay yourself bare in front of me and you are mine, from thousands of miles away I still possess you, my eyes claim stake and my fingers hurt from wanting to touch you, wanting to learn your textures as much as I have learnt your colours and movements, and I am slowly shedding my inhibitions, opening myself up in front of your demanding and all consuming eyes, there is something frightening in the way you look at me, it scares me how much it makes me feel alive, how much it makes me come alive, how much your gaze burns my skin and my soul, and it makes me feel as if I was yours, unquestionably yours, my biggest wish in this world reaffirmed, I belong to you and you belong to me, there is that look that sets me on fire until I’m all consumed and makes me come alive at the same time, that look that tells me you can see me, you see me and you not only like what you see, not only want what you see, not only care about what you see, but need what you see, and I need you so much I have to look away before I make a fool of myself, before I break down in tears, as I am now, before I smash my hand against the wall in futile rage that you and I may never be, only in my dreams and in stolen hours at dawn through the help of technology, yet when you look at me like that I feel as close to you as I never felt to myself, and it simply cannot be that this is not meant to be, for I will not stand for it, I have gone through some shit and so have you, we all have, it’s part of being born in the wretched world, but don’t we deserve a reward for it, don’t we deserve a reprieve, something to make this life worth living, well that’s how you make me feel, and that’s why I look away, how could I continue looking at you when your eyes burn me alive and your mouth is too far to bring me back to life, how could I continue looking at you when your eyes speak a language we dare not use, only hinting and suggesting, your eyes say it aloud and burn those words onto my soul, a stamp that I cannot would not erase, you are across the ocean but your gaze burns my skin, I can feel your touch across my body, exploring and claiming me like I need you to, it is impossible to continue looking at you for I fear my eyes might betray me and tell you just how much I need you, as if you didn’t already know that, but I keep to my end of the agreement, I cannot ask for anything more because there are ties that bind you to another, but if I continued looking at you I might start begging, I cannot, I want to have you and in these hours at dawn I do, you lay your soul and body bare to me and I try to do the same, and I only hold back because I am scared that whatever fog has descended on you to see me in such a good light might start to lift up and as bad as it is that I cannot have you, it would be even worse to lose you not to circumstances, but my own shortcomings, I could not survive that, the way you look at me is what made me come alive and if your eyes turned blind to me I might as well not exist, it is an enormous responsibility to bestow on someone I know, but you are responsible for the fox that you tame and for the rose that you plant, and I am as much your rose as you are my fox, it is inevitable that we should meet, and then I will lay my trust in your eyes to continue blazing me, but until then, I continue learning your body and your mind, what makes you tick and what makes you come undone, I continue teaching you slowly about what I like, and I continue teaching you slowly what I need, trusting that you recognise it in you, and I continue believing that unicorns do exist, for the way you make me feel is as unexpected as it is unprecedented, I have only ever met people whose expectations I could not reach, could not fulfil, I was never good enough, just maybe as good as it gets until a better one comes along, and I cannot accept that, I used to hurt when I was not all they ever wanted or needed, but I learnt that neither were they, as I am good enough as I am, your eyes told me that, I am all that you ever wanted or needed, you say that and I feel that, and how could anyone compete with that, being needed by the one person I need the most, I felt so close to you last night despite the distance between us, you laid on your side and I laid on my side, the screen too flat and inhuman yet I felt you next to me, and your eyes traced patterns on my skin and my soul, you touched me and I touched you.

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