To the guy

who said hi to me, and winked, while we walked past each other on the path earlier today.

Or maybe it was “hey”? or “hello”.

I can’t quite recall.

I know I said hi.

And I remember the wink of that right eye.

Question: Why?

Did I remind you of someone you know?

Do you say hello to everyone you pass by on that path, while out on your power walk?

Did I look so miserable that you thought you’d cheer me up?

Did you think saying hi to the chubby woman would balance out some wrongdoings of yours on the whole scheme of things with the universe?

Did you want to make me feel better?

Did you want to make yourself feel better?

What was your goal?

Was there any?

If I go back there tomorrow, will you be there again?

I don’t want you to think it’s an invitation.

Why would you?

But still.

Don’t.

If I am to be honest, I expected it. The hello. Not the wink.

Sometimes you are out and about, and especially on a little walk like this, where everybody is there for the same reason, people do smile and nod and generally acknowledge each other more often than just on the streets. That’s to be expected. A hello. Not the wink.

Sometimes you walk past people and you try your hardest not to keep staring on the ground, and I’ve been practicing to look up, look around, but still, avoid eye contact. Sometimes I would look up, and see the eyes of the others, fixed over my shoulders to also avoid eye contact, or at times, fixed at parts of me I wish I didn’t see. After about three times, I looked down today to check if there’s anything wrong with my jacket. There wasn’t, other than it straining across my chest. Good luck not to feel self-conscious.

I don’t know. Maybe its all in my head. Maybe some of it is. Maybe none of it.

But I don’t like people staring at parts of me.

Also, if you are going to say hi as you walk by, fine. But not the wink. And not the wee smile.

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