I am mad at him. I am fuming. Lying on the edges of the bed, trying to melt into the cold wall and clutching the duvet tight in my fist lest I start banging it against something, I try to control my breathing and stay immobile. I am not going to say anything. He knows. Hours earlier, I asked if we can go out for dinner, to celebrate my finishing of my degree, my leaving of a crappy job, my getting an interview, my return. He said no, and attached a couple of excuses, like being tired, not having clean clothes, not being in the mood. He said we'll get take away and that's that. His word is final, after all - compromise, as such, doesn't exist. I left him, trying not to bang the car door, to meet another for a few hours, to purge his cannot be arsed attitude from my mind and make the most of my visit. A text came saying...
Did we kiss goodbye? Maybe. I can't remember...
Silence and neglect, formalities and chit chat... An escape into a different world, loud and desperate, foul and deprived, as revenge... Men rub against me, grope me, try to enter me, some I allow, others shout names and move on, I feel like I just bathed in filth. It is my revenge against your silence, … Continue reading What You Don’t Know
And so I am going on the first holiday this year, shoved in-between endless hours at work, and costing half a month's wage for five days. I feel ungrateful, beaten into me with those lovely words of long past, that I am not more excited about it. Correction. I cannot wait for this holiday, but … Continue reading Holidaying We Go
I managed to keep quiet. At least, in writing. I was jealous. I cannot. He doesn't need it. Not a minute could I manage to hold back. I missed you too. I didn't think I'd ever feel so. I know. It's ridiculous. Every day. I want to be mean. I want to snap. I am … Continue reading Radio Silence
A small double sided magnifying one from the pound shop to apply my make-up. The one in the bathroom, positioned for some reason next to the sink, not above, to see if I washed off all the make-up. The ones downstairs, to check my full outfit. Sometimes, the reverse camera on my phone, to see … Continue reading Mirror Mirror
I have given you all I am. All I could give, given the circumstances. I held back, yes. I was scared that I'd get lost. That I'd give too much, that you'd not want it, that you couldn't, wouldn't handle it. That you'd not reciprocate. I knew all along you couldn't. A married man, your … Continue reading Return to Sender